Author Archives: Kyle

Nighttime Essentials

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A telltale sign of an ADHD individual is not just poor impulse control, but often being disorganized – Never cleaning up after themselves, forgetting important objectives, putting items in the wrong place or just forgetting to put them back. This post is about the latter

After moving out to the mountains, some friends from back home flew into town to spend some time with me (also to play loads of video games and eat copious amounts of meat). Of course the first thing I do is give them a tour of the new property. I show them the living room, kitchen, office, garage… then we get to my bedroom. Before I can really point anything out, my friend starts into a fit of laughter

Me: What? What are you laughing about?

Friend: Oh I’m just… I’m just admiring your nightstand. You have a bottle of water, some ear plugs, a handgun, and… and a fucking copy of Perfect Dark on Nintendo 64

Me: All of the nighttime essentials

I’m actually not sure where my N64 is, but here is the nightstand

Tokyo Drift

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One of my all time favorite activities is going down the YouTube rabbit hole. My wife and I were in the living room, her on her phone, me on the computer looking through my YouTube history playlist. My history and playlists can really be described by three categories: Meme’s, music and weird shit. I was currently looking through music.

Going through the list of music, I see a video for a song from Tokyo Drift. I play the song for my wife (specifically this song)

Me: Really only the first 10 seconds of this song is good, then it goes down hill in a hurry

Approximately 1 second later

Me: *singing* Please pleaaaaase please… shit on my cheeeeeest!

My wife:

Jason Bourne

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My wife was in the kitchen making some dinner for us. Had some noodles boiling in one pot and some green beans in another.

I had walked past her to go to the garage, and when I came back, she was stirring the pot of green beans. I leaned in really close to her – I looked down at the green beans, then back to her. She gave me a sideways glance, wondering why I was getting so close to her

Me: …. …. …. Jesus Christ it’s Jason Bourne

My wife: Who? Get out of my face



Are you OK?

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One beautiful and clear evening, myself and a group of friends were sitting around the fire pit – kicking back with some beers, making s’mores, enjoying some star gazing.

Seeing as how it was getting late, I decided to take a quick break and feed the dogs. I get up out of my chair, which was on the far side of the fire pit, opposite of the house.

Not being able to see well, I keep closer to the pit than I should have. As I start walking back to the house, I trip over a marshmallow skewer. I stumble a bit but keep on my feet.

Me mid trip: Ah fuck!

Friend: Woah! Are you ok?!

Me: No! I have AIDS!

Friend:

Throw it over them mountains

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My wife and I were taking a stroll around our new property, watering our plants, enjoying the breeze, just having a nice time just being together.

She asked if I wanted to walk by the creek with her – I’ll never turn down an opportunity for a romantic stroll with my wife. With the creek being on the lower part of the property, we needed to head down the hill, but the pathway was covered with pine needles which didn’t help with traction. My wife decided she needed to use the rake to clear out the pathway.

After walking around the creek, we head back towards the house. As we are about to get to the pathway to walk back up the hill, I grab the rake she had left leaning against a tree

My wife and I make eye contact as soon as I grab the rake, long wooden pole and all

Me: …

Wife: …

Me: Want to see how far I can throw this?

Wife:

She practically tackled me to get the rake out of my hands. Pretty sure I could have thrown the rake over them mountains.

No Coyotes

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It was a beautiful Saturday morning in the Idaho mountains. The sun was peaking over the eastern mountain next to my house, the birds were chirping, the creek was relaxing to listen to, but I was not up early to enjoy all of these things – no, I had important BBQ things to do, most of which revolved around a 10 pound brisket.

As I am setting up the smoker (A Traeger Eastwood 22) with hickory pellets, I notice something running in the lower half of my field. I don’t normally see deer or elk this early over here, and when I do, they aren’t usually running around. Of course with my ADHD kicking in, I stopped what I was doing to investigate.

As I walk closer to the edge of the patio, I see a coyote! Now, I have small dogs, so I am not a fan of coyotes around my babies <3. At this point the coyote is maybe 30-40 feet from me.

Me: Fuck you coyote! I’ll kill your family!

The coyote who was having a good time until he saw my giant ass yelling at him:

He cheesed it in the other direction.

Pro Wrasslin’

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As I had mentioned in a previous post, my wife and I moved to the beautiful state of Idaho and were lucky enough to get a couple acres of land in the mountains. One of the many things that differs from the city is the amount of wild life we have here – almost every day I see deer and elk on my land with the occasional turkey as well.

A group of friends from in town decided they wanted to spend the weekend at our place. A couple of the guys and myself were out in the field just shooting the breeze when we spot a deer walking parallel to where we were walking. Friend 1 decides he wants to try and sneak up on the deer – I have no idea what he planned on doing if he got up to it as the deer was well aware we were there.

Friend 1: *whispering* Ok everyone shut up…. I’m going to sneak up on this deer…

He starts inching forward as the other friend and I stay back and watch. This man is an experienced hunter so he knows how to move quietly. He gets much closer than I thought he would, maybe within 20 feet

Me: *whispering* Pile drive that bitch

Friend 2 and I:

Of course the dear immediately runs off from our giggles

Friend 1:

That’s a big dog

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After moving to the beautiful state of Idaho, I decided to go visit my good friend who lived about an hour and a half from my new house. After the initial meet and greet with my friend and his girlfriend, we decided to grab some burgers.

Now, my friend lives in the suburbs – granted its a new subdivision more country side, but it’s the suburbs, so imagine my surprise when I start driving towards Burger King and see two people on horses riding down the street coming our way. I am firmly a suburban boy my entire life, so this is something new for me.

Of course I slow down, but as we get closer, I roll my windows down to talk to the rider

Me: That’s the biggest dog I’ve ever seen

Rider:

My friends:

Life is like a box of…

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My wife had just gotten home from work and we were talking about our upcoming move to the neighboring state. Somewhere along the conversation she was talking about a dream she had the night before where I unfortunately had passed away (probably doing something heroic like saving blind puppies from grizzly bears)

Wife: …and it was one of those dreams where it felt so real! I don’t know what I would do if I lost you…

I kind of just shrugged to her

Me: Weeeelllll…. Life is like a box of dildos – you’re gonna get FUCKED

Wife:

Me:

The what league?

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I was sitting in my living room with my wife and mother-in-law. Wife on her phone (as is tradition), and my MIL looking at job postings in some neighboring states.

MIL: Here is a good one. It’s for the… ICL? What is the ICL?

Me: Idaho Cockfighting League

MIL: ….Oh, it’s for the Idaho Conservation League

Me: