I was sitting around a table with a bunch of fellow soldiers, shootin’ the breeze because we don’t actually ever do our jobs. I’m not sure what the topic at hand was (I suspect when I brought up the hypothetical scenario of packing up your entire life and moving to Mars if given the chance), but the group of us were having a lively conversation.

Now, if you’ve been around my site long enough, you’ve probably gathered I like to make jokes, although they’re rarely ever planned out, most just blurted out while in the moment. One of the younger soldiers had apparently taken quite a liking to my random and sporadic humor.

Younger soldier: You might be the wittiest person I have ever known

Me: Well then you know a bunch of dumbasses

The look on his face was a mixture of trying to figure out if he should laugh, while also evaluating the accuracy of the statement

Younger soldier:

Since trying to integrate myself into the ADHD community and learn more about it and the people affected by it, I’ve learned that there are defiance personality disorders/conditions that are very often associated with ADHD individuals. While I have never been diagnosed with one, it sure as hell would explain a lot about me.

In fact I made a meme to properly express why I think I have/had one of these defiance personality issues:

They weren’t wrong, though.

One summer day in beautiful Ft. Jackson, South Carolina (that’s a lie, I hated that place), I was in a 5 week training course. Our class was mostly soldiers, but also had a few airmen, and one Marine. Private Rodriguez was a typical Marine; screamed “KILL” a lot, ate crayons and Elmers glue, hit on everything that moved, you know… a Marine. One morning when our class had started, Rodriguez was nowhere to be found. For whatever reason, our instructor seemed to think I knew where he was.

Instructor: Private Kyle! Where is Rodriguez?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not on Rodriguez patrol today, sergeant.

Instructor:

Instructor: Do pushups

I proceed to do all the pushups

Instructor: Now go fucking find Rodriguez!

All joking aside, I loved Rodriguez – he is a great Marine and was a lot of fun to be around during that course. All the branches rip on each other constantly, but it’s like sibling rivalry. Also he didn’t actually eat crayons or Elmers glue, he preferred glue sticks and glitter.

I was at work in the IT dungeon (help-desk lab) ticking away at my computer when a senior manager of the company came in, laptop bag over his shoulder.

Manager: Hey, so, I had a little issue with my laptop

Me: Oh yeah? What’s going on?

The manager places his laptop bag on my workbench, opens the bag and pulls out his laptop

Manager: I ran over my laptop with my truck

So this was a first for me – I walked over, looked over the laptop, sure enough it looked like it had been run over

Me: Oh mother fucker!

Manager:

Fortunately the manager had a good sense of humor – when I realized what I had said and looked his way, he had the look of bemusement.

Me: Sorry – I’ll get a replacement to you by end of day

I usually try my best not to swear at my manager, sometimes I fail. Thanks ADHD.

One morning I had woken up a bit late. I came downstairs to my find my wife and my mother-in-law having a lively conversation about who knows what – I wasn’t really retaining any of the information anyways, so I just got a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch.

They were having a nice chat while I blankly stared in front of me. I’m not sure why my brain decided it was time to listen and chime in, but it did

MIL: What job do you think I should have in the next life?

Me: Spaghetti salesman

MIL:

Me:

My wife took a tumble at work – she had some minor bruising, but was overall OK. We went to urgent care anyways just to have her checked out and to get the trip documented in case a workers comp claim had to be made.

We were at the front desk being checked in, going over paper work. She was confirming my wife’s information, and I hadn’t said a word the entire visit – of course my poor impulse control got the best of me.

Front desk lady: aaaand what is your preferred language?

Me: Klingon

My wife:

Me:        

As I have mentioned many times, I love playing video games. All day everyday, gaming. I tend to play single player games as I am more interested in story and character development, but every once in a while I like to torture myself with a multiplayer game. I was playing a game called Rust – if you haven’t heard of it, it’s a multiplayer open world survival game inhabited by some of the worst people the gaming world has to offer.

I’m sitting in a little base I had built, minding my own business, when a kid (sounded about 11 or 12) came up to my door and started punching it, yelling obscenities at me. Normally if you ignore them, they will go away – not this annoying turd. After a few minutes of punching my door and yelling at me to come outside, I finally reacted.

Annoying turd: I’m gonna fuck your mom!

Me: I fucked your dad! You were a mistake and he never loved you!

There was an air of silence. After about 5 or 6 seconds, the sound of him running off could be heard through the walls. Must have hit a touchy subject. Git gud, scrub

My wife had come home from a long day at work and plopped herself down on the couch. I had the day off, so me being the amazingly average husband that I am, I offered to make dinner for the both of us.

With a bit of back and forth, we agreed on some grilled chicken and green beans. But of course before I got started, I had to have her listen to this new ska song I had just found (I really liked Less Than Jake back in the day, so it was always a treat to find something new). I put the song on and walked over to the fridge to get my ingredients.

Me: I’m just going to wing the spices and whatnot, it’ll probably come out alright

Also me 3 seconds later when the chorus of the song starts:

My wife: Kyle! Food!

Me: Right! Sorry.

I am pleased to inform you that the chicken came out amazing.

I was the new guy at my place of work’s IT department. Part of the training is shadowing someone who has been there a while by basically following them around for a few weeks until I got the lay of the land and learn how they do things at this place.

We got a ticket for an issue, so off we were to investigate. The end user, an older lady, had a lot of typical motivational phrases and posters plastered all over her cubicle. Very stereotypical stuff: cat hanging in the tree with “hang in there!” placed below it, “We can do it!” poster, etc etc you get the idea. My coworker took lead as the end user walked off. Now my coworker was the type to read everything out loud, even things not relevant. While we were waiting for something to load on the computer, he started reading the posters out loud.

Coworker: Live. Laugh. Love.

Me: Hail Satan

Coworker:

I face palmed pretty hard. Fortunately my coworker has a pretty good sense of humor and had a good chuckle about it.

While sitting on the couch with my wife, watching my favorite TV series (Battlestar Galactica), I turn and make a deep and philosophical statement to her

Me: We should become goat herders

My wife, who is no longer phased by my bouts of ADHD, responds quickly and concisely before going back to watching the show

My wife:

Sadly, we never became goat herders