While at work, I was taking a little break to mess around on my phone. For whatever reason, I had decided to stand in the hallway right outside the cubicles where all the graphic design people work, an area that didn’t get a lot of foot traffic or noise.

While tapping away at my phone, probably playing a game (I was really big into Heroes of Dragon Age at the time), a coworker who, at the time, I did not know very well, walks my way. She reaches over and taps on my phone screen as she walks by.

Me: (practically yelling) WHATEVER NERD!

My coworker was not even phased by my sudden outburst.

Coworker: (trying so hard to keep it together)

She failed though, I could still hear her as she rounded the corner to her office about 25 yards away. We’re basically BFF’s now.

For this years father’s day, I wanted to go back to my childhood. We all know children are impulsive and sometimes don’t have the best decision making skills, of course with this being amplified in ADHD children.

I was about 8 years old and my dad was buying me a new baseball bat at a regional sports store called G.I. Joes. While looking at the bats, my dad either had the bat that we were going to look at in his hand, or he had moved me to the designated swinging area and kept his distance so I could try out the bats. We finally decide on the perfect bat, dad pays for it, and we head out the door.

Once in the parking lot, I recall it being relatively empty, which is probably why my dad saw no harm in handing me the bat and letting me do a few practice swings as we walked back to his SUV. What he didn’t anticipate was the second he handed me the bat, I immediately swung it with all my might . . ..  right into his crotch.

My dads reaction was more or less this

I’ve given my dad plenty of reasons over the years to smother me with a pillow, and I am really glad he didn’t. Love you, dad!

A friend (Friend 1) and I were helping another friend (Friend 2) move out of an apartment complex that friend 2 also happened to work at as a handyman. Most of the bedrooms were empty as we had moved boxes and furniture out and into the U-haul truck.

Friend 1 and I were taking a break in the kitchen, which hadn’t been completely emptied out, while friend 2 was re-arranging the U-haul to make more room. While we were snacking on a bag of chips, I see an unopened box of granola bars on the counter. I proceed to open the box, grab a granola bar, and put it in the fridge.

Friend 1: What are you doing?

Me: Hiding granola bars

Friend 1 shrugs, grabs a granola bar and stuffs it in a box of tissues. We then spend the next 5 or so minutes hiding granola bars in various areas around the kitchen. We don’t tell friend 2, but I get a text the next day from him

Friend 2: Why the hell are there granola bars hidden all over my kitchen?!

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about

About a week later, after friend 2 had already moved out and was on his way to a new state, I get another text from him

Friend 2: Hey asshole, my old coworker said he found a granola bar in the stove vent. Seriously?

My work at that apartment complex is complete.

I took a few days off work due to illness, but when I came back I was approached by a coworker

Coworker: Hey, welcome back! I heard you were sick

Me: Sure was

Coworker: Did you have a cold or something?

Me: Space herpes

Coworker: 

I was hanging out with a friend, playing video games like we always do, when he brings up an article he read

Friend: I read this article that says men don’t reach full emotional maturity until about the age of 43 – so we have 10 more years to be idiots

Me: If you think I’m going to stop being an idiot in 10 years then you have a serious case of the downs

Friend:

One Saturday afternoon, I’m at home when I get a call from my wife

My wife: Hey honey, what are you up to?

Me: Doing karate in the hallway

My wife: KYLE! Do not break anything!

Me: HIYAH!

My sweet kicks are unmatched

While at a BBQ with my wife, the host presented a plate of deviled eggs she had made herself

Host: Here, try these eggs! I think they might be a bit salty though…

I pop one into my mouth and chomp down – I physically cringe and convulse as my mouth is bombarded by the saltiest concoction of anger and hatred my tongue had ever been subjected to

Me: Oh god, it’s like a bukkake party in my mouth!

Meanwhile my wife is trying to keep it together from laughing so hard watching me

(Note: If you don’t know what that means, DO NOT GOOGLE IT!)

While serving with the US Army Reserve, I was sent off on our annual two week training to Fort McCoy. One morning, I headed off to the chow hall to get some breakfast. They served the standard stuff: barely edible eggs, waffles that doubled as frisbees, syrup that was absolutely sure to give you explosive diarrhea, fruit that had gone bad 3 days earlier, and several containers of gatorade that were empty.

When I got up to the soldier that was serving in the chow line (who also outranked me), I was greeted by the most peculiar sight – the eggs were green!

Me: Hey, you know that Dr. Seuss book about Green Eggs and Ham was not a recipe book, right?

Soldier: Fuck off and just eat it

I’m pleased to report that it only took a half bottle of Texas Pete’s hot sauce to make it semi-tolerable

My wife and I were sitting on the couch, enjoying a TV show together (Stargate Atlantis) when I turn to her and ask the most profound question

Me: Hey, would you still love me if I was part mountain gorilla?

My wife turns to me and pats me on the head

My wife: Oooooh Kyle, at least you’re pretty

Which I think means yes

My mother-in-law has been having issues with a coworker for a while now – this person has been causing unnecessary drama and headaches for my MIL

MIL: …and she keeps saying things behind my back and being very passive aggressive

Me: Maybe you should be active aggressive

MIL: Well I wrote a letter to our boss and…

Me: Tell her she’s a pussy and then fight her

MIL: I don’t think that will help

I’m fairly certain I am the greatest son-in-law ever – at least top 10.