One Saturday afternoon, I made myself a sandwich with some sliced chicken breast from the fridge

My wife: Did you go to the store? I don’t remember buying any deli meats

Me: It’s the chicken slices in the fridge, bottom shelf

My wife: The chicken I told you to feed to the dogs?

Me:

I was out and about at a grocery store, sporting an awesome Oregon Ducks shirt, when I was approached by a guy I didn’t know

Random guy: Are they going to win today?

I don’t know what possessed me, but I went full Army on him (never go full Army)

Me: (practically yelling) HOOAH!

He was visibly taken aback by my outburst – I believe he thought I very aggressively asked “who?”

Random guy: th… the ducks…

Me: Oh, right, yeah totally!

I gave him a thumbs up as he walked away, looking both confused and slightly alarmed

I was over at a friends house playing video games with him and his wife when we had this short and lovely conversation

Friends wife: Hey, you know what I like?

Me: Diiiiiiick

She wasn’t really expecting that, but she rolled with it anyways

Friends wife: Well, yeah, but that’s not what I was going to say

Meanwhile my friend just giggled like a little girl

I was sitting on the living room floor with my dogs, listening to some metal on my computer while eating pepperoni sticks. I proceeded to start drumming on one of the dogs with my pepperoni sticks

My wife: What are you doing? . . . are you drumming on the dogs with pepperoni sticks?!

Me: This song is metal as fuuuuck!

And yes, I did eat the drum sticks

A good buddy of mine was over one sunny Saturday afternoon for some lunch and video games. Of course being the Meatasaurus Rex that I am, we were going to have beer and steak for lunch.  While preparing our steaks with a dry rub, I started singing to the steak.

Me: I love steak! Steak is good! Yum yum yum! I love steak!

My friend (who was about 10 feet away): Are you singing to the steak?

Me: A happy steak is a tasty steak! Get the fuck out of my face!

My friend:

My wife and I were invited to a BBQ hosted by a couple friends of ours – the morning of, I went and took my shower, came down to the living room and proceeded to mess around on my computer until my wife was ready to go.

My wife: Are you ready to go? . . . Where are your pants?!

Me:

Apparently I was too distracted while playing Archeage to realize I didn’t have any pants on.